<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>look at me by randomfills (spnfanatic)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582025">look at me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnfanatic/pseuds/randomfills'>randomfills (spnfanatic)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Worship, Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Handcuffs, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Nudity, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Castiel, SPN kink meme fill, Self-Esteem Issues, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Unreliable Narrator, a little plot, dean really hates himself, mirror, no actual fucking, not really porn, season 5 somewhere</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:22:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582025</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnfanatic/pseuds/randomfills</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas wants Dean’s self esteem to improve. Dean can never take Cas telling him how lovely he is, how strong, etc. Cas gets a full length mirror and ties Dean up naked in front of it, and worships Dean, and also tells him how amazing he is, Dean is forced to watch as Cas pleasures him, exploring his whole body, and then makes him come with his Grace.<br/><strong>https://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/154550.html?thread=47204534#t47204534</strong></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Supernatural Kink Meme</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>look at me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean isn’t sure how Cas talked him into this. How he let Cas talk him into this. It’s embarrassing. He can see the deep flush on his cheeks. It makes his stupid freckles stand out. Cas says they aren’t stupid. That they’re beautiful. But Dean knows it isn’t true. The angel’s just saying it because he feels like he has to. He fell from heaven for Dean’s stupid, rebellious ass (because Dean can’t get with the program and just say ‘yes’ like a good, little boy). Of course he’s gonna say stupid stuff like that because he feels obligated. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go.</p><p>“This is stupid, Cas. I feel stupid,” Dean says after staring at himself for a long moment. He doesn’t understand what Cas wants him to do. They’re up in Bobby’s guest room. The door’s locked and has been for almost an hour now. Cas set up a large mirror in front of him and told him to undress and thinking stupidly with his downstairs brain (<em>again</em>, good fucking job, you always seem to think with your dick), he rushed to comply. He isn’t sure what he and Cas are right now. Sometimes they’d solve cases together. Sometimes they’d fuck. And some other times they’d look for signs of Lucifer.</p><p>But Cas always comes when Dean prays.</p><p>“This isn’t stupid. <em>You</em> are not stupid, Dean,” Cas tells him, stepping from behind him.</p><p>Dean sees the angel’s reflection. He’s still completely dressed with his suit and tie and that stupid trench coat. He looks completely serious, though his blue eyes seem to soften because Dean’s suddenly feeling unsure and small and this is stupid. </p><p>“What are we doing?” he asks. He hates how his voice wavers, reflects the fact Dean <em>is</em> unsure. He curls his fingers. The cuffs jangle behind him. He stares at his stupid reflection. He hates how bright and green his eyes are, how his lashes seem to flutter like he’s trying to seduce someone. He hates how when he parts his lips, they look like they’re inviting someone to kiss him. He thinks he looks kind of like a girl despite his broad shoulders and height. He thinks he’s supposed to look imposing, intimidating, but right now he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand why Cas wants him to look at himself.</p><p>“We’re not doing anything.” He pauses long enough for Dean to start to wonder if he’s going to explain or if they’re both just going to stand here and look into this stupid mirror until Dean’s legs get tired and he’d have to write this off as a waste of time. Clearly Dean’s not going to get laid today. Which is slightly disappointing because he could use the stress reliever. Stopping the apocalypse can really take the energy out of a person.</p><p>“<em>You</em>, however, are going to stand there and watch as <em>I</em> show you just how special you truly are,” Cas continues.</p><p>Dean’s breath hitches. “<em>What</em>?”</p><p>He isn’t sure if Cas is joking or not. The angel has a poker face that puts Dean’s to shame. Then again, is he all that surprised? He is an angel. Self righteous, always thinks he’s right. A smug smiting bastard.</p><p>Except that’s not Cas.</p><p>Maybe Castiel. The one who gripped Dean tight and pulled him from perdition.</p><p>But Cas isn’t Castiel. Not anymore.</p><p>But even so, sometimes the old bastard likes to pop out once in a while. When Cas is really mad, furious. Dean sometimes sees Castiel rear his ugly head. </p><p>Then Cas cracks a smile. It’s soft, gentle. And Dean relaxes. Didn’t even know he even tensed up to begin with.</p><p>“Shhh, it’s okay, Dean,” he says, reaching out to touch Dean’s shoulder.</p><p>Dean isn’t sure why he says that. Why Cas is trailing gentle fingers over his shoulder blade down his arm, his touch feather like and soothing. Like he’s petting some skittish animal. But then he realizes he’s shaking. He isn’t sure why. It’s not like this is the first time anyone’s touched him. Dean’s had sex a million times. He loves it. He lives for it.</p><p>Well, he did.</p><p>Before hell. He shudders at the thought. Best not open that can of worms.</p><p>Dean straightens. Tries to shake Cas off. “Dude,” he clears his throat, but Cas doesn’t stop touching him like that. He trails further down until he’s touching Dean’s hip.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean says again and he’s ignored again.</p><p>Cas steps back so he’s behind him again, his hands grasping lightly around Dean’s hips. Dean feels himself go stiff. He can’t see Cas except in the reflection on the mirror. He doesn’t like it. He wishes Cas would move back so Dean can clearly see what he’s doing without having to watch himself.</p><p>But that’s the point of this stupid exercise, isn’t it? Cas says he wants Dean to stand and watch.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas finally says, tracing his hands up the side of his body. “You’re beautiful,” he says.</p><p>The words take a moment to register. Logically, he thinks they might hold some truth to it. It’s not like this is the first time he’s heard that. Usually from gross old men living in dingy old motels.</p><p>Still, he isn’t really sure how to respond so he stands there, looking back at the mirror with wide eyes.</p><p>“You’re so beautiful and strong, Dean,” Cas repeats. Like a stupid broken record.</p><p>He feels his face heat. Watches the flush of embarrassment make its way on his face. “Don’t say that, Cas,” he says finally.</p><p>“Why?” Cas asks. He’s trailing light touches up Dean’s chest now. Brushes hard, sensitive nipples. Dean gasps. “Why shouldn’t I say the truth?” he’s asking, his voice that low rumble Dean’s come to love. “Why shouldn’t I tell you how amazing you are? How your soul shined so brightly, even in the darkest pits of hell, it was like I was gazing directly upon the sun?”</p><p>His cheeks are hot. Hell, his whole face is at this point. He wishes the floor would just swallow him whole. How can Cas say that? How can he think that? Dean isn’t amazing. “Because I’m not, Cas. I’m not amazing,” he croaks. </p><p><em>Don’t lie</em>, he thinks. <em>Please.</em></p><p>“I don’t lie,” Cas says, reading his mind. He’s leaning down, so his warm breath tickles Dean’s ear. He can’t help the shiver. “I would never lie. Certainly not to you.” He’s still lazily tracing his fingers over his nipples. For once, Dean wishes they were so sensitive. The touch is enough to send a shudder through Dean. To have him buck back into Cas. </p><p>“Every part of you is amazing,” Cas says before he’s nibbling lightly on his ear.</p><p><em>No. You wouldn’t think that if you’ve seen all the shit I’ve done</em>, he wants to say. <em>All the things before hell. In hell. After hell.</em></p><p>He doesn’t say any of it. Can’t. He’s too busy gasping and maybe moaning because once Cas is done attacking his ear, he moves down his neck. Trails light butterfly kisses down to his collarbone. </p><p>But he doesn’t have to say anything. Cas already knows.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter what you did before hell,” Cas says in between kisses. “I’m not saying you’re perfect. No one is. But you did the best you could under the circumstances you were given. You were raised to be a soldier by your father, just as I was, by mine,” Cas tells him. “You raised Sam like your own. Even when you were a mere child yourself.”</p><p>Dean chokes. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to hear any more of this. Doesn’t want to look into the mirror. He tries to look away, but Cas turns his head back. “Look,” he says softly, blue eyes, intense like the sea, stares back at him. “You’re so beautiful and so strong. You survived hell, Dean. I built you back molecule by molecule. I reached into the pit and grabbed your <em>soul</em> and if you were really this bad person so deserving of the cards you got dealt with, you would have fought. You would have fought so hard just to make me let you go. But you didn’t.”</p><p>“Maybe I was just scared,” Dean croaks. “Maybe I just didn’t want to be left in the pit anymore.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Cas says. “Or maybe deep down, you realized you didn’t belong there either. Maybe deep down, you wanted to be saved just as much as I wanted to save you.” His hands begin to trail down his stomach. He starts to kiss down Dean again and he’s so gentle and soothing Dean’s beginning to miss their rough sex. At least when Cas is rough, he knows where he stands. Knows what he deserves. </p><p>He’s caught in the pleasure of Cas’ touches he almost doesn’t hear it when Cas quietly says, “You deserve <em>this</em>. You deserve to be loved. To be worshipped.”</p><p>No he doesn’t. But Cas is back to tracing every inch of his body, like he’s trying to memorize every line, every blemish and imperfection, everything. Soon he’s touching Dean’s dick and he can’t help the moan that comes out of him. Even if it’s weak. Unsure. Like he shouldn’t be taking pleasure in the touches of an angel. Like he’s not supposed to enjoy this but can’t help it.</p><p>Cas just says, “But you can enjoy this. You’re <em>supposed</em> to enjoy this.” He presses up against Dean so that he can feel how hard he is. “Can’t you feel that?” he murmurs. “Can’t you feel what you do to me?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t. You once said angels aren’t supposed to have sex. It’s beneath you guys or something,” Dean mumbles.</p><p>“Yes, well, that was a while ago, when I was Castiel,” Cas says. “If I remember correctly, you said he had a ‘stick up his ass’.”</p><p>Dean can’t help but snort. It’s still funny hearing an angel like Cas swear. “So what, you’re saying you’re not that Castiel douche?”</p><p>Cas smiles. “No, I’m not.”</p><p>“Then who are you?” Dean jokes.</p><p>“Cas. Just Cas,” the angel answers immediately. He pauses briefly. “The angel you helped save from mindless obedience to a cause so tainted and wrong that even his father abandoned him.”</p><p>“Hey, none of that talking shit about yourself,” Dean says.</p><p>“It goes both ways, Dean,” Cas says easily.</p><p>Crap. He walked right into that one. He sighs, “Look. I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, Cas, really I do. But this is all making me uncomfortable. I mean are we going to have sex or what?” </p><p>
  <em>‘Cos I’m kind of getting tired of standing here and it’s bad enough that I’m standing in front of a mirror watching myself getting treated like some princess in a castle.</em>
</p><p>“Of course we are,” Cas says.</p><p>“And you’re going to fuck me rough, right? None of this slow shit,” Dean insists.</p><p>He watches Cas narrow his eyes. “You always want me to fuck you rough, Dean. Like you think that’s all you deserve.”</p><p>“Because that <em>is</em> all I deserve,” Dean blurts out before he can stop himself.</p><p>Ah crap. Cas is already shaking his head. “That’s not true and what I’ve been trying to tell you. I guess I’ll have to show you.” He snaps his fingers and suddenly he’s just as naked as Dean. But while Dean’s body has scars and blemishes, Cas’ body is perfect. “I’m going to fuck you slow tonight. And maybe you’ll still think you don’t deserve any of this by the end of tonight, but that’s okay, because we’ll just do this again tomorrow. And if you still feel like you’re undeserving of this, we’ll try again the day after tomorrow as well. And we’ll keep going until you finally realize you have the brightest soul I’ve ever had the pleasure of laying eyes upon.”</p><p>It’s probably the cheesiest thing Dean’s ever heard come out of the angel’s mouth, but he still feels his face heat. And he wants to hide his face for the second time tonight. He doesn’t though because Cas tells him again to stand still because he’s going to fuck him now and slow or not, Dean still very much wants sex. He doesn’t believe a word Cas says but that’s okay too, because Cas just admitted they’re going to have sex again tomorrow and maybe it’ll be in front of the mirror again, just like this, with Cas behind him, worshipping his body with his hands and mouth, telling Dean how amazing and special and magnificent he is. It’s fine though, because Dean’s at least got Cas.</p><p>And if Cas is willing to lie about how amazing and worth saving Dean is, like he's this <em>holier than thou righteous man who's gonna save the world</em> (like wake up and smell the roses, man, how the fuck is one <em>insignificant</em>, little human supposed to do that?) instead of admitting on how he actually dragged such a sorry, shitty broken little hunter from the pit and now he’s saddled with him ‘til the end of the world all because Dean somehow managed to tempt him into damnation...well, Dean ain’t perfect. He’s human after all. A miserable bastard who drinks and kills and will do just about anything to not be alone again. </p><p>Maybe in the end of all this, it’s Cas who will wake up from all the lies and finally realize Dean ain’t worth all this trouble after all.</p><p>Until then, he’ll take what he can get.</p><p>
  <strong>THE END</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>